The Archers

Yes, the Archers celebrates its 60th anniversary on 2nd January! At the Bishop's Christmas dinner party a new pastime emerged - guests indulged in a deluge of speculation about what is going to happen in Ambridge.  Now, you might be like me and feel that the greatest virtue of the Archers is that you can not listen to it for five years and yet when you do tune in again you immediately recognise everyone and more or less understand everything that is going on. This is in distinct contrast to East Enders (my other prefered soap) where not to listen for a couple of months renders it necessary to ring a friend for a synopsis of the latest deaths, preganacies, crimes and dramatic departures from the Square. But for better or worse, the writers and director have decided to stage a repeat of the Grace-Archer-dies-in-a-fire technique for improving listening figures. I never met Grace; she died before I was born but she was nearly as real to me, in my childhood, as Winston Churchill and John F. Kennedy both of whom died before we got TV in our household.

So who is about to be immortalized? What is the impending disaster we have been led to expect will strike Ambridge on the 2nd January? Five of us who were at the party would like to invite you to comment with your predictions - we are offering public acknowledgement for the nearest guess.

Best guesses so far;

• Matt is going to massacre the entire Borsetshire Board and heaven knows the outcome of that. South America with Lilian again perhaps?
• Freddie is going to comit patricide because Nigel is pushing him to do extra schoolwork in the hols. Chosen weapon - the blade of one of his skates. (Enormous implications as to whether Lily can inherit the estate!)
• Will is going to finally do for Edward. (How has he waited so long?)
• David and Ruth are going to have a road accident on the icy lanes, leaving the farm for Pip to run. (There are endless ramifications with all the Archer children and grandchildren expecting a slice of the inheritance. Years of bitter wrangling follow.)
• Helen and Tony are going to have a major row. Helen will rush out and have a road accident because she is so upset. Tony will be unable to cope with losing a second child and will commit suicide, leaving Pat to bring up Helen's baby (which will be born just before the life support system she has been on for weeks is turned off.)
• In a not totally uncharacteristic fit of rage, David Archer will murder the bloke who has been threatening him after he (David) accused him of stealing his hay. David will end up in prison serving a life sentence and Jill and Ruth will squander every penny they have on useless appeals, making the family bancrupt. Support the Ambridge One! (Did he really do it or has he been framed?)
• A gypsom hole will open up and swallow Ambridge in its entirity, leaving only Grey Gables. The story will then continue with an almost new cast as 'the everyday tale of country hotel folk' headed up by Caroline Bone (as was) and Linda Snell (heaven help us all!) This, of course, will come to be known as the 'Ripon ending' because of the incidence of many gypsom holes around Ripon.

Can you do better?

www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/features/the-archers  (See the message board for thoughts about the new archdeacon! Who is she?)